By the end of March, there is no place to breathe in C-8. Papa has forbidden us from standing by the windows. He monitors how long we stand on the balcony, whom we look at, what we’re thinking. Inside, it feels like all air is finite. We’re trampling over one another for space to think, to be. Our silences have gone up our nostrils, come out our mouths, run out the door into the elevator, and fled. Our words now dance on the riverbed, mocking us from afar. We will never be free.

Every room in this home is tainted by violence. Papa and Amma’s dark bedroom with its single small window, the kitchen with its deep sink and cloistered shelves, the laundry room, where I hide and write in a diary, the mori or dishwashing bathroom behind the kitchen, where only Gulshan is sent to clean our muck, Dadi’s room, with a view of the street but also Dadi’s fuming mouth.

My parents’ room was where Misba and I hid each night during drinking time. We would hear loud, animated conversation outside—glasses chinking, something crude said, some laughter. Then the voices would always grow louder, angrier. Something would be thrown, something smashed. Then Papa would storm off to the bathroom. The door would be slammed. A moment of quiet. In my earliest memory of a night like this, when I was barely three, Amma came rushing into the bedroom, Phupu close behind her.

“Rukhsi! Don’t just walk away . . .” Amma turned to close the door on her.

“Zahida apa, please. Please.” Her voice wobbled. “Just please let me be.”

She came around and sat at the edge of the bed. There, sitting a couple feet from my mother, I felt it for the first time: my mother’s burden shifting, growing, moving restlessly inside her, welling up in her wide, honey-colored eyes. But Amma squeezed her eyes shut and pushed it back in. I remember inching closer to Amma, placing tiny hands on her hunched shoulders, attempting an awkward hug. I remember Amma taking my tiny palms and shaking me off like a wet leaf stuck to her clothes.

“Please Zara. Leave me alone.”

I felt my own burden sprout, a tiny seed of helplessness. “Kidhar hai Rukhsi?” I remember my father slurring, demanding to be told where his wife was hiding. Please don’t tell him, Phupu, I prayed in this, the worst game of hide-and-seek ever. I remember Phupu’s deadpan voice telling him. I remember how he threw the door open, exploded into the room.

“Bitch. Come back outside!”

Then I remember Papa’s eyes accidentally meeting mine instead of hers, ready to fire, locked on a target. My eyes are wide and big like hers but dark like his. And yet for the first time I see my twinkle-eyed, smiling father—who tickled me till I collapsed giggling, who scratched my knee till I fell asleep—towering over me from the foot of the bed, glaring at me and seeing not his daughter but a limb that has grown from this woman. A part of her.

He spits.

“Do your drama. Brainwash the girl against me.”

He rumbles, his mountain body barely holding back its rage. I sit there frozen between these two. The woman who won’t let me touch her, the man whom I dare not approach. All I want to whimper is I love you both.

I remember Amma finally shaking out of her trance, then standing up and walking out of the room, hoping to draw the fire away, to spare me. I remember Papa turning to look at me one last time, hate in his eyes slowly melting into inebriated confusion.

The fire and its first victim walked away.

I remember Amma coming back later that night to call us to dinner. “Come on, girls,” she says in that shaky voice, not letting me look into her eyes anymore. When I hesitate to leave the safety of the bed and go out where the plates will tremor like me, she looks at me with complete emptiness. There is no love there, no joy, no life, only exhaustion.

“Please, Zara,” she repeats. I quietly, guiltily get off the bed and follow her. I know then that there is no running, no saving myself. I can never leave. Not without my amma.

“Arre, no two states of this country can stand each other. Everyone is fighting over food or language or rivers. We have four in this house!” we learn to say, trying to normalize or exoticize our home’s dysfunction for ourselves.

It’s true. Dada is from Punjab in the North. Dadi is Gujarati. Amma’s mother is from the mango coast of western India. Her dead father is from the South. We blame the diversity for the disturbance. Too many stories in collision with one another, no shared tongue. But it’s also very not-true. Amma said yes to this marriage dreaming she’d learn to dance the garba, a dance she’d always marveled at from a thousand miles away. Phupu can cook herself any cuisine in the world, but she rushes to the table first when Amma is frying dosas. Dadi hates the mention of Dada’s family in Pakistan’s Punjab, but she pushes Misba and me to dance in front of the guests to every Punjabi bhangra song played at weddings we attend.

“Tumhaare khoon mein hai yeh,” she reminds us. It is all in our blood.

No, the madness in our home, like the rest of this country, lies in our search for a strongman. In our home, no man is strong enough.

Dada is haunted by how he failed. Papa withers under the burden of his own mistakes. The women become dictators when they become divorced or widowed. There is no room in C-8 Jasmine for grace.

So we huddle in Amma’s bedroom each night, telling each other stories, making up imaginary ones in which we live in forests by little streams, just Amma, Misba, and I. There is a tape deck in the room, a wedding present for Papa and Amma from his friends the Reddys. It’s his prized possession. Papa takes us every Friday to Law Garden, where in the evenings a man sells pirated and original audiotapes from the back of a converted Tempo Traveller: albums of every new and old Bollywood movie, as well as collections of ghazals, devotional Sufi and bhakti music.

Papa never buys pirated. They will spoil his deck. If ever his purchases turn out to be fakes and the tape spools out and jams the player, he goes back and fights with the tape walla, calls him a dozen names. And then buys three more tapes. He buys Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan for himself. Some mornings he plays it after his shower and raises his hands and hums “Allah Hu, Allah Hu” as if temporarily possessed, energized, tentatively tethered to a faith he doesn’t understand. This is the only grace I see. I watch him, his soft beer belly rising and falling, the depression dropping away like the seams of his semitransparent cotton kurta suspended around his heaviness. Since the riots started, he hasn’t played it.

But one Sunday, bored out of his mind, he opens the deck up and cleans the head with cotton swabs and Dada’s eau de cologne. When Misba and I shut the door of Amma’s bedroom that evening, we look at each other conspiratorially. We switch on the tape deck and allow ourselves the same grace. Grace is the only language Misba and I know to speak in. It has been our shared tongue as sisters since before we ever learned how to talk. We don’t yet know what it means to save each other, but we know something happens when we dance. We feel redeemed. We have done this each evening from the moment we started to walk, from the moment we recognized our world burned like clockwork each evening.

We insert our favorite tapes one after another, hits from 2001: Lagaan, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Dil Chahta Hai, Aks, Lajja, Nayak, Pyaar Tune Kya Kiya, Zubeidaa. We haven’t watched all the movies. Papa takes us to the theater only for the big ones. But song after song we go, moving and making the movie with our bodies. Through the moods and bhavas and rasas of each song, we make up steps and build facial expressions, we construct entire lives and love stories filled with heartbreak and mischief and sublime joy. Amma slips into the room in between dinner preparations to watch us. A few times, Dadi and Phupu peep inside too. Apa sits on the bed, arms folded, her grim mouth slackening into a smile. There is nothing to dance about right now. But in C-8 Jasmine, there seldom is. Dance is the only way Misba and I know to transcend this reality.

When Amma comes in to watch, I watch her back, as she leans her tired body against the linen closet, her smile building from her thick lips to her honey eyes. Soon she’s clapping with our every shimmy and shake. She lets out a soft hoot. This is all she can do. Dance is teaching us what she can’t, mustn’t.

That we have power. That as long as we have each other, our souls will be okay. She watches us bloom amid all this smoke, gracefully stretching into life, grateful we are hers, thankful we are alive.∎

Excerpted from The Lucky Ones: A Memoir by Zara Chowdhary (Crown, July 2024).